Five Mistakes to Avoid When Addressing Roommate Conflict

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A new school year is about to begin and that means many of you will be living with new roommates! For some of you, this may be the first time you’ve lived with people who aren’t family members. Though this is a very exciting time, you should be prepared to deal with roommate conflicts as they happen. It’s an unfortunate reality, but it’s human nature.

Even if you’ve done everything right, even if you’ve set clear boundaries, even if you & your roommate(s) are considerate and likable and compatible, it’s highly likely that you will find yourselves in situations where you feel at odds with one another at some point during your lease. Might as well equip yourselves now with the appropriate skills to handle any potential conflicts effectively to save you a great deal of time and trouble later on!

Here are five common mistakes to avoid when the dreaded and inevitable conflict comes up.

Common Roommate Conflict Resolution Mistakes:

1. Mistake: Ignoring the conflict or giving it time to work itself out. The odds are the conflict will not get resolved with added time, the issue will just fester until one roommate explodes with emotions.

Solution: Don’t let things simmer. Address the issue as soon as it is brought to your attention. Be honest and upfront, but don’t blow the issue out of proportion. Let your roommate know that you realize it’s something minor, but that it is a pet peeve of yours or that it makes you feel uncomfortable.

“In my first year, I became sick with mono and slept through almost all of my morning alarms. In my heavily unconscious state I had no idea that I kept hitting snooze and my roommates interpreted this as my blatant inconsideration,” writes this blogger. “As a result, one morning I awoke to a roommate throwing pillows and wrathfully yelling at me. I felt horrible because I was not aware of the problem and I could certainly sympathize with their frustration! Had I known sooner, I could have established a better plan for waking up.”

2. Mistake: Failure to acknowledge or to even hear what the other has to say. It’s easy to feel defensive when you are addressing conflict (which most of us avoid at all costs), but take a step back and try not to take it personally.

Solution: We like this tip we found in this post.

Use the active listening technique or “LARA” method in both the conversation and the dialogue.

L stands for Listen. In this stage of LARA, active listening needs to be practiced, by maintaining eye contact (if culturally appropriate), nodding your head, and showing that you are listening.

A stands for Affirm or Acknowledge. Much like active listening, this stage requires that you say something affirming like “I can understand why it’s difficult for you to talk to your roommate about this and why it is also so important to you.” Acknowledge the feelings and needs behind what is being said.

R stands for Respond. This is when you can respond to what was said – address the interests and needs that your roommate brought up.

A stands for Add. This is when you can provide additional information or options about solutions. Do not give advice or force your opinion on anyone, though!

3. Mistake: Using extreme statements such as “You Always..: “You Never..”. This is a surefire way to put your roommate on the defensive and create an impossible situation for you to resolve anything.

Solution: Use “I Statements” as a way to defuse the tendency for your roommate to feel attacked and putting them on the defensive. An “I Statement” makes it about you. It explains HOW the other person’s behavior is making YOU feel. For example, “I feel______ when_____because_____so what I’m hoping is _____.

Instead of saying, “You always leave the lights on late at night and it drives me crazy” perhaps you can try “I feel frustrated when the lights are left on after midnight because it is hard for me to fall asleep and then I don’t do well in my classes, so I’m hoping we can turn the lights off or dim them at a certain time every night, or find another agreeable solution that works for both of us.”

4. Mistake: Holding onto bad habits or having an unwillingness to change. For many of you in your college years, this is a time for learning and growing. Don’t get stuck in old unhealthy patterns and habits that you developed in the past.

Solution: Be flexible with your roommate and adjust your thinking as new situations require. Instead of focusing on what’s wrong with your roommate and judging them based on what you would do, focus on being a better roommate yourself. “It is very easy to observe your roommate’s actions and think, ‘I would never do that.’ Be careful of expecting your roommate to behave and think just like you,” it advises in this helpful student living piece. “Judging your roommate and determining that your values are right and his or hers are wrong is a very dangerous barrier to cross.”

5.Mistake: Know when to pick your battles. We know, this sounds like a contradiction to Mistake #1. However, sometimes you just gotta let some things go.

Solution: Decide if this is a battle worth fighting before you bring it up. In most situations, it will become very clear to you whether or not something is worth bringing up. Accept that your roommate (and you!) are flawed and you will make mistakes. Sometimes, we all commit minor or ridiculous offenses that irritate others for a brief moment, but it’s unhealthy to hold on to that resentment.

Solution: Although it is good to be honest when something is bothering you, realize when an issue is worth talking about and when something is so minor or ridiculous that your request may come off as extreme.

When in doubt, contact the Office of Student Conflict Resolution for assistance!

Sources for this article

www.huffingtonpost.com
u.osu.edu
oscr.umich.edu

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Roommate Etiquette 101

Roommates

Whether it’s a friend or a stranger having a roommate can be an amazing shared experience… but not one that comes without a little work. By simply taking a few steps you can ensure you and your roommate will always remain simpatico and get the most out of your living arrangement.

Step #1 Establish Guidelines From The Start

Avoid unnecessary arguments by establishing clear guidelines early on. Agreeing on schedules and day-to-day rules helps avoid misunderstandings and annoyed housemates.

Some suggested topics to cover include:

  • Bill paying procedures
  • Cleaning Schedule
  • Dirty dishes policy
  • Significant others coming over
  • Sleeping habits
  • Noise levels
  • Drinking habits
  • Pet policy
  • Allergies and general health requirements

Step #2 Respect Each Other’s Personal Space

It’s always a good idea to not enter your roommate’s space without their permission. Think about it, would you want someone entering your room when you’re not there?

Step #3 Respect Each Other’s Belongings

Unless you have an agreed upon rule for sharing food try to be mindful of your roommate’s food. There’s nothing worse than coming home after a long day dreaming of your left-over pizza only to find it eaten by someone else.

This rule also extends to personal belongings. Nothing stirs up bad feelings quite like the notion of someone rifling through your private stuff.

See this? Don't do this.

Step #4 Clean Up After Yourself

Even if a cleaning schedule is agreed on you should always be mindful to pick up after yourself. Certainly don’t leave trash or opened food lying around or an angry roommate will be the least of your troubles.

Step #5 Address Concerns

Bottling up feelings of annoyance will lead to an eventual explosive argument. Speak your mind as problems emerge and work together to find solutions. Whether the problems are big or small you will always be better of for addressing them openly.

Step #6 Don’t Expect To Be Best Friends

Though it’s certainly possible you may end up being best friends with your roommate, the expectation it will happen can often create an uncomfortable dynamic for a roommate. Be friendly but also be aware that their interests, schedules, and friends may not align with yours.

Step #7 Be Open To Change

Living with a stranger (or even a friend) will inevitably bring about new experiences and customs. You should always try to keep an open mind to these differences and change and go with the flow.

Step #8 Remember It’s A Shared Space

What’s most important to remember is that the home you occupy is a shared one. If you’re bringing people over, give your roommate some warning. Before blasting your rock music at 3AM, remember your roommate is one wall over and probably asleep. If you are leaving trash out, don’t forget someone else could be coming home to it.

If you stick to these rules you should be well on your way to having a comfortable shared space. Best of luck!

Nine Signs You Are a Bad Roommate

9 Signs You are a Bad Roommate

Are you a bad roommate? Hopefully, you are in a situation where there is mutual respect for boundaries and everyone feels comfortable with each other. But, as we all know, that is not always the case.

After a long day of working or studying, there is nothing worse than coming home to a terrible roommate. Here are 9 signs that you are a less-than-ideal roommate.

1. Your Motto is “My Way or the Highway”. 

Good luck with that! Sharing your space with another person can be challenging, even a close friend. For your living arrangement work, it’s important that both parties compromise and adapt to each others lifestyle and habits. You can help mitigate awkward situations by determining if you are a good match BEFORE you move in.   Click here for tips on finding a the right roommate for you.

2. You are Miss or Mr. Passive Aggressive.

Whether you live with a stranger or a close friend, accept that at some point there is probably going to be conflict. Open communication is absolutely necessary when living in such close living quarters. Even if you avoid conflict at all costs, it will only cause anger an resentment to build up inside you until you are completely unbearable to live with. There is a good chance your roommate has no idea what they did to anger you, so talk about it, come to a agreement and move on!

3.  You honestly believe your roommate doesn’t care if you take or borrow without asking.

So you have a roommate who keeps the fridge stocked, the dishes clean, and plenty of clean laundry around for you to borrow. Why should they mind a T-shirt here, a carton of milk there? It’s communal right? Trust us, they mind. Nobody wants to be stuck with a roommate who takes food without replacing it or who borrows your favorite shoes or shirt without asking!

4. You are consistently late paying your bills or rent.

This is the worst!!! Pay your bills on time. Pay them early if that is an option. If you can’t afford your bills you may need to make different living arrangements or work an extra job. Do not ask your roommate(s) (who are probably also strapped for cash) to cover you! It’s not fair to them, and word will get around that you are a loser.  Who wants that?

5. You act as if your Mom will clean up after you.

Unless you have maid service, which you probably don’t, clean up your own messes! Think it’s ok to clean the dishes in the next couple of days or even next week? It’s not! Nobody wants to live with a messy or disorganized person! Who wants to come home to someones clutter and filth? You don’t have to be a super clean neat freak, but it’s important to be on the same page with your roommate about what’s acceptable and what’s not when it comes to cleanliness. Clean up your own messes, nobody else will.

6.  You ask lots of personal questions.

Your roommate has physical and emotional boundaries. Respect them. Just because you are living in the same space, you do not have the right to pry into their personal business! If your roommate wants to volunteer the information to you, fine. But give your roommate the space they need and respect their privacy.

7.  You frequently bring the party into your living room during the wee hours of the morning.

It’s one thing to be social, but it’s another thing to disregard your roommate(s) need for sleep or quiet study time. You must agree on acceptable noise levels in advance. Besides, you don’t want your neighbor to have report you, you just might receive a noise ordinance!

8. You are addicted to cigarettes.

Cigarette smoking stinks. It’s disgusting. It makes everything else, including your roommate’s stuff, smell like cigarettes. Yuck. Don’t smoke. If you must smoke, do it in a designated area and do your laundry often.

9. You contribute NOTHING.

You need stuff in your apartment: furniture, cookware, dishes, electronics, etc. Don’t be the roommate that contributes nothing. Suddenly you are the guy (or gal) that takes advantage of your roommate’s stuff.

Bottom Line: Be considerate!  Be considerate! Be considerate! And figure out in advance if you are a good match! 

photo credit: foshydog via photopin cc

11 Questions to Ask Your Roommate(s) Before You Sign a Lease

medium_3541111970Now that spring is approaching, we will soon be leasing for the upcoming school year!

Have you thought about your roommate situation?

Don’t be so eager to find someone who seems nice or willing to share the costs that you neglect to find out important details about their personality, habits and lifestyle preferences. This can lead to a disaster!

Think about what is important and non-negotiable for you. It is far better to be upfront and honest about your expectations than feeling miserable about your living situation in a few months. Before signing any lease, get to know your potential roommate(s). We highly recommend setting up an interview and ask direct questions.

Here are some important details you will want to pay attention to:

1. Sleeping habits: early risers or night owl? Light sleeper or deep sleeper?

2. Typical work or school schedule? (Will it conflict with yours?)

3. How does this person describe their cleaning habits and expectations and does it match yours?

4. Any allergies? Examples: peanuts, perfume, milk, flowers, mold, smoke).

5. Lifestyle habits: Do they smoke, drink, listen to loud music, stay out late? Are you ok with that?

6. How would the candidate describe their decorating style (if they have one)? Does it match yours?

7. Social habits? Will there be friends over often? If so, will you get along with these friends? Is there a boyfriend or girlfriend in the picture?

8. How will you combine your belongings? Who will provide the living room furniture, pots, dishes, electronics, etc? Can you share these items?

9. Does the potential roommate have a job? What is their basic financial situation? Nobody wants to be stuck with unpaid utility bills or rent!

10. Can you rely on this person to be honest and be courteous to you and other potential roommates?

11. What is their maturity level on a scale to 1-10?

Answers to these questions should help provide you with a sense of whether or not this is the right fit for your lifestyle. Always go with your gut. If you get a weird feeling about a potential roommate, tell them politely that you don’t think it would be a good match and move on.

photo credit: valkyrieh116 via photopin cc